Bad Habit

"I'mma test this out. Now, keep in mind that I'm an artist, and I'm sensitive about my sh*t. So y'all be nice about it. Alright." ~ Erykah Badu. 

:)

In the same sentiments regarding the quote above (LOL), this is a poem that I wrote when I was in my early teens. It can probably be interpreted in any way, but whichever way it's interpreted, it still lies close to my heart. So, without further do, I've decided to include it in this blog as one of the songs of my life. Songs of a Lady Samsonite. xoxo

A bad habit 

A regular argument 

Habitual disappointment 

Again and again 

Temporary self-esteem 

Temporary harmony 

But a bruised ego 

Yet again 

You raise me up 

You beat me down 

A momentary smile 

With an expected frown 

How many times 

Will you apologize? 

How many times 

Will I compromise? 

You take me out of my comfort zone 

Accommodate me in a broken home 

I don't feel safe 

My heart is in your hands 

I don't think you love me 

Why can't you understand? 

You're a drug, you’re a stimulant 

You get me on a high 

Your dangerously sweet tongue 

Sends me off to the sky 

I'm awaiting my downfall 

My darkened fate 

On the edge of our cliff 

I stand 

Unsafe 

And unprotected 

Exposed to your trap 

Engulfed in your lies 

Yet it's you I come running to 

When in this mess 

Waiting on your bitter strike…

And sweet caress 

Samsonite Dreams.

~~~ I run from something scary. And by scary I mean something that frightens me, something that I can't handle. And right now I can't handle a relationship. So I run...

I run fast and I run far and I run hard. And while I run, something might make me lose focus for a split second - and not watching where I'm going, I may bump into another. Crap! 

So I take off and I run again, in a different direction than before. And now I have two guys running after me. ~~~

It sounds like just another bad dream. I know. But the truth is, this is a perfect metaphor for a constant situation. Something that has been wired into my subconscious as a result of more-than-a-couple bad experiences in the past. A defence mechanism for a tortured soul trying its best to protect itself, and the heart, from hurting the same way it has been hurt before... or worse. It is a reflex action. It is all I know. "When things get scary...run!" 

It is a deformity - and I understand that now. But somehow I can't seem to shake the old habit. I run from a "good thing", afraid that when the clock strikes 12 and midnight comes, the golden chariot will turn into a great big pumpkin, the white horses will turn into mice, the beautiful Vera Wang gown I've been wearing will turn into rags, and Prince Charming will simply disintegrate into thin air... or turn into a wolf!

I realize that I can't keep running forever and sooner or later I will have to face my fears. But when will that be? Which brings me to another issue...

There is a reason why we women "settle" at times. 

We grow weary from all the running. We run for months on end, sometimes years, and we begin to realize that we probably might end up running forever. We begin to realize that it's a lot easier to just slow down, start walking, or maybe even stop altogether and surrender - hand yourself in to one that holds you captive and hope for the best...

But surely this is not a good thing. Yet, many times it seems like a viable option. Many times we hear our grandmothers and our mothers and our aunts and our sisters remind us, in the present, but adorning the essence of their future selves, that a biological clock is ticking and if we continue to run, one day we'll find that all the good men are gone and that all along we've been running for nothing.

So let me put a positive spin to all this... have you ever heard of the term "jogging for Jesus"?  In our everyday lives, we need to realize that there is nothing wrong with running, as long as we take our transgressions, and our worries, and our failures, and our fears, pack them up in a brand new Samsonite called "prayer" and  take a journey. Make sure to check in all your luggage before you proceed and allow Him to run alongside you. Psalm 55:22 tells us to do exactly that. And for some of you who are like me and have been running all along, Matthew 11:28-30 takes care of that. It says: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." 

Beautiful isn't it? Just to know that there is someone to run to. Someone willing to help you get over yourself and all the walls you've built around yourself, ironically trying to find freedom. Someone who is waiting in the dark woods, with arms wide open, shining His light of love and warmth and waiting for you to simply collide in Him. 

And the best part of all is this - He is more than willing to guide you, if you let Him. He will run with you. Show you where to go. Teach you. Shield you. Expose you to that which is good for you. Take you "shopping" so you can see and appreciate the qualities in the one who is tailor-made to be with you. 

He has placed the lost glass slipper in the hands of the one already. Whether he knows this yet or not. And whether he has come to Him yet or not. For He has seen this day before it came to pass. He wrote and holds the storybook bearing the adventures that come ahead. All you have to do is run to Him. 

Songs of a Lady Samsonite. 

xoxo